Our hands
by Bluestarshine
Summary: Brody wished his love goodbye, knowing it would be the last time they would see each other. He walked away because she deserved someone far greater than he, someone with a heart as good as her own. It was love, Brody had whispered - he spoke like he'd known it was their goodbye, known it was their end, like he'd somehow known his future did not include her. Brody&Carrie one-shot.


**Disclaimer: Homeland is copyright to Howard Gordon, Alex Gansa and Gideon Raff. I claim nothing. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made.**

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_Goodbye, love._

It was love, what they had.

Brody had realized now that he had always known that it was love. Perhaps, at the start, the feelings that he had felt for her hadn't been so clear because everything had been so far from clear, to him, and it would remain that way always. That was what he had believed until he had found himself with Carrie and she had, if only for a moment, made things appear clearer, to him.

He wondered now, as he moved through the thick, unknown and unwelcoming forest, if he would ever see her again. His life had been filled with many, many difficult things, but this, walking away from her, was perhaps one of the hardest.

Brody knew it was what was truly what was best for her. He knew this was what she had wanted, to re-join the CIA, because it was something she had to do; it was who she was. He had told her, at the cabin, that he would understand and he did understand –but that didn't make her decision to leave any easier. It made it harder for him to walk away from her.

He had also told her at the cabin to be careful because the words that would have passed her lips would have made it harder for her to leave. He had told her to be careful because she couldn't trust him, because he couldn't even trust himself.

But, Carrie did trust him. And that was what had captured his heart, completely. She feared him, and he understood that, and accepted it because he feared himself.

He accepted her fear of him because he knew, just as she did, that trust and love were more powerful than fear and that they could have moved past the fear and lived in happiness. He was able to accept her fear of him because he knew, in his heart, that he would never hurt her because he could never bring himself to do such a thing to his love.

That was truly what she was; she was his love. He hadn't felt the way he did, towards Carrie, with Jessica. And the guilt would never really stop weighing him down, over what he had done to Jessica and to his children and all the other things he had done or those he failed to do; these things will haunt him forever.

He felt haunted, now, as he moved through the lonely and dark forest. He found himself, constantly, checking over his shoulders as though he was searching for someone. When he had first started stopping, and looking over his shoulder, he hadn't been entirely sure who he had been searching for but within seconds he had known.

He had been searching for _her_; for Carrie.

The woman who had feared him but had also placed her complete trust in him despite everything that he had done, everything he had said and everything that he was.

This was the woman who loved him but hadn't spoken the words because Brody had warned her to be careful because he had feared that something was coming. And it had come. He had been unprepared when it came, as had she, and she had almost lost her trust in him.

He understood Carrie, significantly better than he could ever hope or dream to understand himself – but there were still things, inside of her mind, that he couldn't understand or decode at times.

But in time he would have been able to decode them. In time, and they could have had so much time, he would have known everything inside of her head. He would have known every thought, every memory, every dream and every fear – everything. They could have had everything and could have known everything about the other.

Brody was aware that Carrie had her own problems, and her own demons, but he was stained, almost drenched, with the blood of others and he was continuously chased by the demons which forever haunted his mind and he had known from the very start that he had never deserved a woman as great as her.

He had almost lost her, back at Langley, after the explosion. She had been frantic, and frightened, and scared because they had failed and they had been played and so many more had died.

As she had, momentarily, lost her trust, in him at Langley, Brody hadn't backed away; he hadn't been hurt by her moment of doubt and he hadn't feared her as she held the gun to his head – all he had thought and all he had wanted to do in this moment was protect her; he only ever wanted to protect her.

Carrie had released the gun, though; she had believed him in her moment of doubt and had chosen to trust him. There had been moments, at the very beginning, when they didn't trust the other – but it didn't take long for the two of them to build it up. And they had built something so strong, so powerful, that he had almost believed that they could have been free, together, and that they could have been happy together.

But freedom was a luxury that Nicholas Brody had not been able to indulge in, for quite some time, and it would be something that he would never truly experience again. Without her, he would not be free. And now, after all that had happened at Langley and with the tape – and with the blood that would forever stain and soak into his flesh and bones he would never be free.

He would never again wake up to Carrie's face beside his or spend the night with her and all her beauty, and he would never see his children again, or Jessica or Mike, because he could never return.

It was painful for him to walk away from his life but it hadn't been a life – it had been an existence filled with pain, loss, and extreme stress - and he had been, and still was, so utterly and irreparably broken and he had broken Carrie and for that he would never forgive himself.

He could never forgive himself for what he did to her, and what she went through, and he could never forget, or forgive, that he was the tool that ultimately led to her to break.

Brody had never believed that he could give Carrie anything but his trust, and his love, but now he knew that he could give her something more. He would give her something that he had always hoped and desired that they could have together; a life.

That was why he didn't push her to come with him, to start a new life. He could never ask her to do this, to leave her life to start a new one with him that would have no guarantee of the two of them being safe, or happy, and she wouldn't be free this way.

He couldn't give her much but his trust, his unwavering love and a life. She could have a life, now, without him. She would have a life, the life she always dreamed of having, without him just as Jessica, Dana and Chris could have a life – they could have a life free of stress, fear, pain and they could have this new life, of happiness, with Mike.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to go. Brody knew that.

This wasn't the way he had wanted it to go or the way he had ever imagined it would be. He had always known, though, that he and Jessica would eventually end things; things couldn't go on the way they had between them any longer.

Despite knowing that their marriage was doomed to come to an end, doesn't mean that Brody didn't fight for it, because he did. He had fought with his damaged soul, broken mind and weakened heart for it; he had tried, desperately, but it hadn't been the same between them as it was before he left and there was no chance of it ever returning to how it was.

All and any hope, he had had, for repairing his damaged marriage had gone when he had fallen, entirely and completely, for Carrie.

Carrie was all Brody could think of now and truthfully, she had always been all he could think of.

In his darkest moments of despair, fear and desperation; she would always be there in his thoughts or his memories.

She would start of as a flicker of light, a small but strong, beacon, flickering in the darkest, deepest, corner of his mind. Soon enough, the light would be everywhere, as she would be; he would hear her voice, or see her smile, or her beautiful eyes and he'd feel as though he was at peace and that being with her was how things were always supposed to be.

They were never supposed to fall in love. That was never how he thought things would go, between them.

He had never believed that someone like her; such a great, good hearted person, could love him with all of his demons, darkness, failures, destruction, blood and all of his damage.

He was damaged. He knew that. He was irreversibly damaged and he would forever stay that way; he didn't accept it but he didn't deny the damage, either, and he had no intention of fighting it. He would continue to leave it, as it was, as he had done from the beginning because he couldn't face it, not alone, and not without her.

Brody had believed her words, at the cabin, as she had talked of a clean state and the possibility of the two of them being happy. A happy ending was also something that Brody would never have. He also doubted that he would ever experience happiness, again, now that he was without Carrie and his family – and they were his sources of happiness.

He knew now that he was foolish to believe in the possibility of a clean slate, and happiness, because those were two things that he was not destined for not in this life.

Brody, who had been moving through the thick shrubbery and over rocky paths, stops walking at the sound of something moving behind him. Although, it is very likely the sound that he heard, the sound that he had heard many times and desperately hoped was Carrie behind him, was coming from his own feet.

As the silence falls around him he lowers his head, slightly.

He is alone, out here, and will always be alone. He deserves to be alone. He doesn't deserve Carrie, or his family, and he certainly doesn't believe that he is deserving of a new life.

Without Carrie, it won't be a new life. Without Carrie, it won't be a life. It will be a dark, haunting, empty existence that will stretch on for years and be accompanied with such pain, loneliness and grief.

Brody believes that he deserves it; he deserves the grief and the pain and he deserves to live the years of his life engulfed by darkness. He especially deserves the loneliness. He isn't worthy of her company, her trust, and he isn't worthy of her.

As he finds himself stumbling slowly, through the shrubbery and bushes, he wonders where Carrie is and how she is. He knows that he will always think of her because not a single moment could pass him by where she did not occupy his thoughts, entirely.

From the moment he had met her, he had never been able to truly get her out of his head. He knew now why that reason was – it was because he loved her, so much, and their love was different to anything that he had ever felt before. His love was stronger than anything else he had ever felt before her and he was certain that he'd never feel anything again, after her.

He could never feel anything without her. Without her, he was nothing. He could already feel himself slipping away, fading into a dark emptiness, and he had no reason to fight without her.

Brody stops, sighing loudly. He glances down towards stomach, as he feels a twinge of pain in his chest, and as he does he finds that he is bleeding. He hadn't noticed, he must have been injured in the blast. He touches his hand to his chest, the blood freely flows down his fingers as he does, and he draws in a sharp breath of air.

Brody doesn't care. He doesn't care about his own wounds, his own injuries, and he doesn't care about himself. He only cares for her and she is gone.

He takes a step forward but loses his footing on the slippery ground. He staggers sideways, falling harshly on to the unwelcoming, hard, cold slope. He slices his arm on a rock, which pierces in to his chest and his ribs. He shifts his body until he is resting against the rock, rather than being pierced by it.

Brody sighs heavily, his breathing has become much shakier, much more in drawn. His eyes close for a moment as he struggles to catch his breath.

As he closes his eyes, she comes to him.

"_Brody?" _she whispers.

He keeps his eyes closed, believing that her voice belongs in his head, in the darkness, and he is fearful if he opens his eyes he will find emptiness.

"_Brody, I'm here."_ she says soothingly.

A small smile tugs at his lips, he can almost picture her before him. His eyes stay tightly closed, as he replies.

"I know, love." he answers. "You're here to say take me, to say goodbye." he whispers, cold tears spilling down on his cheeks as he speaks.

She has come to take him home, to take him away, to take him with her and he doesn't want to fight it, he won't fight his inevitable end, his death.

Brody believes he is not deserving of death; death would be too peaceful, to calm, compared to his life but he wants it, he longs for a peacefulness which only Carrie, or death, can bring and if he cannot have peace with her then he doesn't want to live without her.

He jumps at the touch of soft fingers, touching his cheeks. His eyes open immediately, he grabs forcefully on to the hands until his eyes set upon her.

"Carrie..." he breathes heavily, his face contorted into an expression of great agony.

Brody shakes his head. "You're not real, love." he says, softly.

She smiles at him. "Brody, I'm here. I'm real." she promises.

"You're not real," he repeats. "But I don't care." he says, as he pulls her towards him.

He holds her, as tightly and closely as he can.

"You were wrong." Carrie says.

He feels warm tears falling on his cheeks but these tears are not his, they do not belong to him.

He breaks the embrace.

"You're real?" he asks, disbelief echoing in his voice.

"You were wrong," she repeats, as she takes both of his hands in hers. "About us. It wasn't love." she says.

Brody blinks quickly, swallows tightly, and exhales heavily.

"It is, Brody." she insists. "It is love. It still is, I can feel it and you can feel it to." she says.

"I do but I don't want to." he admits. "I hurt you, I can't stop myself. I never wanted to but I have hurt you. I can't move past that. And you can't, how could you?"

Brody recoils away from Carrie, tugging his hands out of hers.

"You can. We can move past it together." she promises.

Brody wants to, he needs to, but he can't be selfish.

"We can't. I can't be selfish with you." he answers, sadly. "I don't deserve you." he whispers, a grimace on his features.

"I love you, Brody, and I want you – only you." Carrie smiles, softly.

"Take my hand," she whispers. "And we'll go, together. We'll move past it all, together."

Brody is hesitant.

She deserves more than him, more than he can offer her, but he wants her.

"Take my hand and we won't look back." Carrie whispers.

His eyes flicker down towards her hands, he doesn't move, before he meets her soft, loving gaze once more.

He needs her, he cannot exist without her.

"Take my hand and I'll never let go." she promises.

He takes her hand, certain that he can never again let go of his love.

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**A/N:**

_A Brody & Carrie one-shot.  
Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed.  
_**X**


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